The Very Secret Diary of Excalibur's Scabbard

Day 1

Big debut today, am officially ready to be worn. Cannot help but notice, am outrageously attractive compared to boring other scabbards. Am covered in crushed red velvet, none of your discount rayon, mind you, only finest silk. Took 5 virgins a year to finish delicate embroidery. Fancy shmancy! Flowers, mystical symbols galore plus rubies, emeralds worked into groovy psychedelic design. 20 nuns spent 3 months setting gold filigree and pearl inlay into engraved leather. Must admit am really well built! Still, remind self that style means never revealing effort. To compliments, reply "What, this old wrap? Just first thing I found to throw on today." A scabbard has mystique to maintain.

Day 2

Nuns have all gone blind from setting filigree and pearl into leather. Can no longer read bibles; are reduced to lying around giving fabulous backrubs to naked and likewise blind virgins, quaffing mead, gossiping. Do not understand religion. Is okay, because: am scabbard. Have learned a lot by listening. Turns out am long since promised to sword named Excalibur(?!) Nobody tells me anything. Stupid name.

Sword is much older than me, and has been around the block a few times according to nuns. Currently paired with common leather scabbard, calls it "sheath" which does not seem quite properly respectful. Also whole sordid business of being stuck in large rock for ages. Hardly in the same class as scabbards but still counts as points on purity test. Entire world knows all about rock situation, v. embarassing for me. Rock much older than both of us, presumably knew a trick or two. Hope I am not just rebound for sword. Hope I can measure up to previous experiences. Must look on bright side: is not hard to be exciting in comparison to rock.

Day 3

Off to meet Excalibur. Sword, sword, sword, so dreary, all anyone talks about. Honestly, think swords v. silly. Am dubious re: arranged marriages in general. Still, suppose are destined for each other and all that. Hope stupid sword is not ugly or smelly. Also, some hygiene concerns re: blood.

Day 4

Saw Excalibur across room last night. Sooo dreamy!! Matching jewels in hilt and everything. Is clear we belong together. But is v. big! Am a little nervous.

Day 5

Tonight was the big night. King sheathed sword in me for first time. Disappointing. Hurt a little, not a big deal. Don't understand why people make ceremony of this. At least was quick.

Day 6

King made several new knights today. Elaborate ritual, blah blah honour blah chivalry. King pulled out sword, smacked knight around with it, resheathed sword over and over. Actually felt rather good. Looking forward to more knightings.

Day 7

More knightings, plus a fair bit of smite action. Becoming quite keen on all this sheathing. Wish it were war all the time!

Day 8

OMG am totally sheathing fiend!!! Hope other scabbards don't notice.

Day 9

Overheard other scabbards talking smack. Petty wretches. Know are just jealous of Excalibur, not to mention vast superiority of own charms. Today king said he liked the sword better than the scabbard, as is better at smiting. Have noticed king somewhat obsessed with smiting, not that I am complaining as smiting means sheathing. Wizard cuffed him upside head saying king is moron because I am worth ten of the sword. I rule!!

Day 10

Have asked Excalibur if may call it Cali. Says no. Secretly going to call it Cali anyway. Ha! Ha!

Day 11

Cali never wants to cuddle after sheathing. Still sulking ever since what wizard said. Sensing Cali has competitive urges toward me. Don't see point; obvious that I am prettier but why be bitter? Know it loves me though, just has intimacy issues. Am sure I can change it over time.

Excalibur's Scabbard, part II

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