Part I

The Very Secret Diary of Excalibur's Scabbard, Part II

Day 1

Horrible development -- king gave me to his sister Morgan for safekeeping while goes off to war with Cali. Spouted nonsense about me making him invulnerable, blood not flowing from wounds blah blah, I can't be bothered with details. All I know is there's bugger-all to do here except sit around being decorative, and I could really use a good sheathing.

Day 2

Morgan commissioning local artist/craftsman to do a likeness of me. V. flattering. Hope they get my best side. Am kidding. All sides best. Maybe will send portrait off to battle front as memento for Cali.

Day 6

Horrors -- not a portrait at all. Artist/craftsman made trashy cheap knockoff scabbard! Terrible workmanship. Gems obviously plastic. Did leather bits in rubber. Not one virgin blinded in process. Would hardly call this art.

Morgan palmed off fake scabbard on king, gave me to well-muscled boytoy. Much giggling in castle about clever dupe. Poor Cali will notice right away, probably shatter his blade rather than sheathe in such trash. M. and boytoy have found surprising new use for me. Does not involve smiting.

Day 9

Big drama with king discovering fake scabbard. Reclaimed me from boytoy, came storming in to Morgan's castle, v. dashing. Asks Morgan does she think he won't know difference between rayon and silk velvet, wife sits around weaving all day, has picked up a thing or two about fabric. Also killed boytoy, disapproves of sisters sleeping with anyone outside of marriage except him. Morgan v. red-faced, should bloody well think she would be. Says wife does other things all day and king none the wiser, go figure he noticed about the weaving. I am rescued, hurrah! Shall soon be reunited with Cali.

Day 15

Have felt too low to write for a while. Excalibur misses the trashy fake scabbard. Says my precious jewels and finery make it uncomfortable, just can't relax and be itself around me the way it could with other scabbard. Also found the rubber bits sexy. Sword has taken to sleeping naked with king and gets polished by half the population of Camelot, while I hang neglected on wall. Haven't had a good sheathing in ages.

Day 16

Sword thinks it is so hot. Is not so hot. Approximate value according to wizard 1/10 of me, and wizard should know as per rumour he bought sword from mystical druid types on last-chance clearance rack. Sword is only good for smiting. Smite, smite, smite, parry, thrust, thrust... thrust... oh, diary, I miss it so.

Day 17

Have been stolen (AGAIN!) by Morgan. Assume holding grudge for death of boytoy. Has big plans for me, says I am v. important. Duh! M. says maybe I should take some "me" time, no swords, meditate quietly alone, get to know self. Sounds good.

Day 18

Oh, bugger. Morgan's big plan turns out to be chucking me in lake. Promises I will be called for again when king returns. V. wet down here.

Day 19

Briny water absolutely ruining velvet. Some species of mollusc nibbling embroidery. On plus side, motion of small fish swimming into shaft is reminiscent of sheathing. V. pleasant. King not returned yet.

Day 40

Am developing barnacles. Think this "me" time not such a good idea after all. Would like to be removed from lake, please. Still no return of king.

Day 52,0000

Heard rumours of return of king. V. excited. Expect to be rescued any time now.

Day 52,0001

Wrong king. Was just some pervy hobbit fancier. Still awaiting return of real king.

Day 52,0134

Lake pollution eroding even magically-protected filigree and embroidery. Virgins would pitch fit. Still no return of king. Many dirty objects dumped in lake recently, trying to cut in on my fish action. As if. Still the prettiest scabbard in this lake.

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