Mary Anne Mohanraj

Journal

September 1 -- 7:47 AM

Get off the couch. Get off the couch. Get off the couch.

I'm talking to me, not you.

Taking meds to ensure that you don't actually wake up every 2.5 hours the way Fitbit assures you you have been (which you already knew, but it's nice to have the confirmation) is all well and good, except for the part when you're still groggy and need to shower, dress, print a quiz, and leave for work in twenty minutes. The couch is so comfy...

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August 31 -- 2:09 PM

Well, I wrote, but it was like pulling teeth. Normally I write around 1000 words / hour -- today, it was 1000 words in three hours. Frustrating. Not so thrilled with the words either -- I was trying to write something light and silly for a particular anthology, and I guess I succeeded, but I am...not invested in this piece. I dunno. Maybe chemo brain is a real thing, or maybe I'm just out of practice; I haven't written much fiction in the last month, when I was so exhausted. :-(

More tomorrow, hopefully. I think when I finish teaching, instead of coming straight home, I might go to a coffeeshop for an hour, try to write, finish off this story at least. Need to get back in the habit again. And then, back to the novel, which hopefully will go more smoothly.

I was tempted to try swimming a little today, but time has gotten too tight, and it was probably pushing it anyway, in terms of energy levels. I want my *life* back, dammit.

Soon.

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August 31 -- 6:34 AM

6:30: put away kids' laundry, find an extra outfit for sending to school with Anand, get them dressed and breakfasted

7:30: drive them to school (Anand isn't allowed to take the bus on the first day, and while we could walk, it's a hike for him), get him settled in kindergarten classroom

8:30: come home to face reality of two children who are both big kids now. Eep.

The rest of the day is hopefully writing, straightening up a bit, weeding -- until 2:30, when I have to head to the hospital to do the last of the study bloodwork (stupid needles) and the final study echo (to hopefully find that the experimental drugs had no effect on my sturdy young-ish heart). Fun times. At least echoes are boring but painless.

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August 29 -- 5:24 PM

I think beef and potato curry is my touchstone food. It was my favorite dish of my mother's, it's the first thing I really learned to cook, and even though that was twenty years ago, I still end up defaulting to it when I'm tired, stressed, cranky. Kevin made it for me once when I was getting home from a trip, and I didn't know he even knew how to make it, and I almost started crying when I walked into the house and smelled the curry.

Which is part of why it was *so* disturbing when chemo meant that I couldn't tolerate spicy food anymore, but thank all the gods and little fishes, that seems to have finally passed. And even though I am pretty tired tonight, Kevin cut up the onions and potatoes and beef for me, and I was able to make the curry, and it is simmering now, and will be ready soon, and I am still too tired to be as excited as it deserves, but on some level, I am very happy.

If I were trapped on a desert island and could only have one dish, it'd be beef and potato curry (with bread).

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August 28 -- 3:03 PM

We got to go home around 4 yesterday, when the coin moved into Anand's stomach. Now we're just waiting for it to pass naturally, but he should be fine.

The two hours of weeding this morning were a bit much for me, it turned out -- I had to rest for a few hours after before I felt semi-normal again. But still, managed to feed my kids breakfast and lunch, am now hosting a playdate with four additional children, have pruned / cleaned up the back deck, cleaned the kitchen, and have chocolate-chip banana bread baking. Still not caught up on e-mail, but have made some progress on the most urgent. I'm not back to normal energy levels yet, but that horizon, it's not nearly as far away as it was.

(Up to about 4200 steps, which seems about right for now. Still aiming for 5-6K for the day, so as not to over-tire myself. Yesterday ended up being much higher, over 8000, but that's because a few extra hours of walking around hospitals got unexpectedly added to the day. Still, I survived.)

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