The following cartoon is reprinted without permission from, 'The American Writer', Journal of the National Writers Union, UAW/AFL-CIO, Spr 96 issue.
Writer's Agreement
Anaerobic Living Magazine
1. ASSIGNMENT: Writers will produce (lots of words) on (famous silly people) using criteria and standards which Publisher will not divulge. In addition, Publisher has the right to make the Work as bland, dimwitted, and superficial as possible, taking care to slant it in favor of the free market and unfettered capital.
2. COMPENSATION: As complete compensation for the services of said Writer, Publisher agrees to pay a fee of $ (some laughably small sum) at any time convenient to the Publisher.
3. KILL FEE: If the work is deemed unacceptable, and it probably will, the Writer must pay a 50 per cent 'kill fee' to the Publisher. In exchange, the Publisher agrees not to kill the Writer.
4. OWNERSHIP AND GRANT OF RIGHTS: Writer hereby grants, assigns, and transfers to Publisher all of Writer's rights, titles, and interest in the Work, throughout the world and without further compensation, in perpetuity, in this or any parallel universe, in any technology because we own them too.
5. CREDIT LINE: If asked, Writer never wrote the Work--the Publisher did. Further, the Writer shall not now or in the future read, quote, or refer to the Work without the express permission of the Publisher, which we can guarantee you, will never be given.
6. FILM RIGHTS: Are you kidding? You?
7. TIMELINESS AND PRESENTATION: The Writer agrees to deliver the Work on time and to arrive by freight elevator, weaing a suitably servile expression.
8. WARRANTIES: Writer agrees to hold harmless and idemnify the Publisher and all his friends against any damage, loss, expense or just bad moods >From whatever source. Writer will never take any position that jeapordizes any advertiser in any Axis Media. If anyone so much as hints at a lawsuit, Publisher can seize all Writer's property--in the event that he or she has any at this point--and dump it in a wood chipper. If Writer has no property, next of kin will be taken.
9. JURISDICTION: The contract is executed under the banking laws of the Cayman Islands. Publisher has no intent of abiding by any laws of any other state or nation. In the even of a dispute, Writer can yodel in a storm drain for all we care.