Some of the things she did at work? Carol stripped down to something skimpy. She showed them her pussy. She took them on a tour down there. She masturbated. She often came (the latter being somewhat unusual for women working the peep shows). She gave blow jobs to dildoes, or occasionally used them on herself or on another girl (costs extra). She talked dirty, or sweet, as requested. I'd love to tell you some of her stories, such as the one about Improbable God or Dan and Susan, but she tells them much better than I ever could. I recommend picking up one of her books or seeing her in person as she tours. Details on the Good Vibrations web site (www.goodvibes.com).
I'm telling you all this because a) she's a friend of mine and I want to give her a nice big plug (no, not that kind of plug...), b) she's way cool and provides an outstanding mind-opening, artistic experience, and primarily c) all of this leads into something I wanted to talk about.
She spent a long time answering questions from the audience afterwards -- and one of the better questions was basically 'how do you do it when you find the man totally unerotic?' How does a sex worker, of any flavor, keep on with her (or occasionally his) job when her client is unappealing, unpleasant, unsexy? Carol's also worked as a prostitute, and so she didn't just have to enjoy herself behind a pane of glass -- she's had to try her damnedest to enjoy herself while someone was bumping and grinding against her. Had to try to enjoy herself while his pheromones were wrong, while he was sweating on her -- enjoy herself the times when he was clumsy, she was tired, and she'd rather have just been at home soaking in the tub...or having sex with her partner, who knows what she likes. Tried to enjoy herself while feeling like she really couldn't just get up and go away, or say 'this isn't working' the way you might with a new lover. The clients have paid to enjoy themselves, and so it's always part performance, as the sex worker makes sure the customer has a good time.
If you're a sex worker, this doesn't mean you have to put up with everything. If you've got decent working conditions, you get to turn away the truly scary ones, the really obnoxious ones, the terminally rude. Consider the plight of the sex workers who don't have that option -- now that's truly a rotten job. Carol's generally worked at better places than that, as have the dominatrixes I've interviewed. If the client's giving them shit, they refund his money and send him back into the world. If we assume that that's the paradigm we're working with, then we have some options for the clients who aren't rude or obnoxious, but also aren't sexual turn-ons.
The classic option is, of course, to fake pleasure. After the show I watched, no one asked Carol if she had ever faked it -- certainly lots of sex workers do. While that's definitely not something I'd advocate for your personal sex life (though I know it's tempting at times), as a professional in the field, there must be times when it seems the only option. And if you lose a certain sincerity, a potential for intimacy and honesty -- well, it's a tough job. It could be worse, and often is. But Carol advocates a different approach, if you can possibly manage it.
In her eight total years of sex work so far, Carol's found that she can almost always find something to empathize with in the client. It doesn't have to be something sexual. She got a little inarticulate trying to put this into words, and I don't know that I can do much better, though I think I know what she meant. It's a certain fellow-feeling, an appreciation of who they are, an empathy for the position they're in, and the bravery they've shown in actually admitting what they want. She'd do a patter in the peep show, "C'mon baby, tell me what you want -- what's your fantasy?" And they'd tell her. That takes courage, to say exactly what your fantasy is, what you want sexually. A courage that many of us find difficult to muster (myself included) in our own sex lives. It's not so hard to understand why she might appreciate such customers. Even the ones that stammer and blush at least have had the nerve to walk in the door. They walk in because they need something, and a sex worker can take pleasure in feeling that need and helping them with it.
We all need -- it's part of being human. Carol and other sex workers like her address that need in what I think is a very caring, compassionate, healthy way. It's a shame that our culture ostracizes women like her. It's a shame that not all sex workers can maintain such an attitude. It's a tragedy that something so human is seen as so immoral, so inhuman. We need to stop demonizing sex work. We need to respect the people who do such a difficult job, especially those who manage to keep seeing their clients as real people. We need to create a space for safe, sane and healthy sex emporia where men and women can work with integrity, pride and compassion.
Next week I'll introduce you to Lady Sally -- she's a fictional character, but she runs the kind of whorehouse where I'd like to work.
If you have ideas for future columns -- issues you want addressed, questions you think I might be able to answer, drop me a line at maryanne@mamohanraj.com.
- Mary Anne
August 13, 1997