part 1

The Questing Beast: A Very Secret Diary, Part Two

Day 9:

All is not lost -- found a fanny pouch for my journal, so I can bring it with me! Have to wear the pouch on my front leg, as the stupid straps won't fit 'round my Beastly belly.

But nevertheless...the adventure continues!

Roughing it on this trip to Camelot. Only ate two cows for lunch. Could have taken all fifty of them in the field without breaking a sweat. But trying to lose those extra stones I've put on over the past year.

A Questing Beast with love handles is an unwanted Questing Beast. Damn those fattening pixies!

Day 10

Painfully insulted. As I was in the neighborhood, decided to drop in on one of my fellow Beasts, but the damn creature snubbed me.

He must still be peeved about those knights I stole away from his land after the last plague. Quite enjoyed the taste of Brave Sir Robin. But sheesh. Get over it already, huh?

I mean, I must have knocked on the drawbridge all morning! Had to be the right place -- out front I found the rock with this message on it: 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Auuggggggh.'

So this had to be his place. But the hoity-toity Beast of Auuuggghhh is apparently too good to speak to his old friend the Questing Beast. Ever since his cameo in that damnable Python movie, he's been insufferable.

Note to self: may want to rethink my unplanned visit to the Beastly Rabbit of Kyre Banorg. If he survived the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, that is...

I'll be back, Auuuggghhh!!!!

Don't you think I won't.

Auuuggghhh!!!!

(Damn stomach, still growling!)

Day 11:

Curious country. Walked past a lake, saw a sword waving in the air. Hand looked female (quite graceful, actually). Even more curious, a knight passed the lake. Must have seen me, but went after sword instead. Dove in headfirst.

Fool sank like a rock, of course. One less knight in full plate mail to worry about, there.

Up ahead, the towers of Camelot. The diamond of all the lands. Home of chivalry and nobility.

And lots of fresh meat.

Day 12:

Camelot crowded as hell. And noisy. Ye gods. Made me almost nostalgic for that fool Pellinore and his sons, charging around the countryside of his paltry kingdom and trying to catch me.

Some silly event here, knights waggling swords at one another. Got a kick out of a young whelp, carrying a sword as big as him all over the place. Somehow the little bugger won the tournament! Gotta be the sword.

Got an even bigger kick when he slipped into a tent after the tournament and made the beast with two backs with the girl waiting for him inside the tent.

Laughed my spotted ass off when I head some old graybeard tell the boy that was his sister in tent. Rumbling stomach gave away my hiding place. My kingdom for a roll of Tums.

To top it off, damn kid almost nailed me with that cursed sword of his. Almost chopped off my fanny pouch.

Stupid Camelot.

Day 13:

Slept in. Napped. Bothered some knights talking about building a table shaped like a circle. Idiots. Ate them for supper.

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