Ten minutes later, they are lying on the ground, satisfied. She asks him, "So, how do you like sex?". He says "Wow. It was great. but look what you did to my clam-digger!"
"Pregnant?" she laughs, "No way, I'm a virgin!"
Doc looks at her file, then back up at her face, "But it says here you've been married three times."
Widow says "Yes, but, the first one, he was a photographer - all he wanted to do was take pictures of it. The second one, he was a psychologist - all he wanted to do was talk about it. The third one - he was a stamp collector. God, I miss him."
1. She won't unlock car door for him.
-Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. He gets in car without opening door for her.
-No foreplay.
3. He can't hail a cab.
-Impotent.
4. He insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
-Prefers virgins.
5. She insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the
way there.
-Is a virgin.
6. He insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant.
-Compulsive Don Juan.
7. He insists on going to a homey little cafe.
-Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. He insists on going to a Polynesian bar.
-Compulsive Don Ho.
9. She wants to go to a French restaurant.
-Will swallow.
10. She wants to go to a deli.
-Won't swallow.
11. She uses Sweet n' Low.
-Wears falsies.
12. She takes too long deciding what to order.
-Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. She orders salad dressing on the side.
-Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way".
14. She gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress.
-Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. He insists on ordering for you.
-Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
16. He asks for "the usual".
-Insists on missionary position only.
17. He asks what the specials are.
-Will want you to use handcuffs.
18. He fills up on bread and crackers.
-Premature ejaculator.
19. He doesn't finish everything on the plate.
-Has already cum.
20. He insists on having some of what you ordered.
-Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
21. He changes mind after ordering.
-Will never call you.
22. She changes tables.
-Nymphomaniac.
23. She drinks decaf.
-Fakes orgasm. (Female)
24. He orders in French.
-Fakes potency. (Male)
25. He sends food back.
-Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow
money.
26. She asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts.
-Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
27. He orders a dessert involving ladyfingers.
-Wants a hand job.
28. She orders a dessert involving nuts.
-Castrating bitch.
29. She wants to split dessert.
-Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
30. His credit card is refused.
-Low sperm count.
31. He undertips waiter.
-Small penis.
32. He undertips parking valet.
-Small penis.
33. He undertips cabbie.
-Small penis.
34. He uses a toothpick.
-Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
35. He has a removable cassette player in car.
-Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
36. He has a cellular phone in car.
-Has a penile implant.
The ad runs, and she gets a phone call from a man who sounds like he's up to the task. She gives him directions to the house.
An hour later the doorbell rings. She answers the door, looks around, but can't see anyone. Then she looks down... to find a man, with no arms and no legs, sitting on her doorstep.
"I'm the guy who called you."
"Oh! Er, look, uh, I'm sorry, but in my ad, I said that I was specifically looking for someone with a lot of sexual experience who could satisfy my needs."
"Look, lady... I rang your doorbell, didn't I?"